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Thursday, April 10, 2014

Journal: Religion

I haven't wrote a journal for awhile, the last time I wrote one when I was a sophomore in my high school, then I always write a journal about literature in my senior year (yeah, what a difference). So I decide to write one from Sometimes Sweet blog, even though this week's prompt is too personal but it's alright, and here's the prompt:

"Would you consider yourself a religious person? Quite simply- what do you believe happens when you die? Have you always believed this? Do your current beliefs align with what you were taught as a child? And if not, what was the turning point? This week, talk about your religion or spiritual beliefs (or perhaps your lack of), and try to sum up, if you can, what you believe happens "next." " 
I am raised in a religious family. My dad is the most religious in the family. I don't consider myself as religious like him, but I believe God exists and I try to pray every night. My dad and my mom kinda pushed me and my brother to pray together as family every night (but not anymore). I went to a private catholic elementary and middle school, and they made us to pray as a habit. In my elementary, I had to pray in the class before the school starts, before&after first 15 minutes break, before&after second 15 minutes break, and after school. In my middle school, I had to pray only before and after school. Oh and don't forget that Angelus Prayer every 12 o'clock at noon. I had to go to a mass every first Friday every month & other occasion. Then I went to a public high school and I feel the change in myself.

It's not like I don't like to pray that much at school and go to masses every occasion, but I feel the way my parents or those private school made it, as if it's an obligation to do it even though if I want to do it or not. I feel not right if I do it because I have to do it not want to do it. So my surroundings right now change my perspective in a lot of ways. I have to clarify that I'm a believer, still stand in my religion, and believe that God exists, but sometimes I feel I'm being pushed to believe and do something that doesn't make sense to me. I also being open to people who are being nice to me, even though have different sexuality orientation or they are not believer to God. But somehow, people who are being in the same religion as me, tend to see those people as the wrong people and I'm not like that. I think, people just can't judge if someone is wrong or right just because he/she is different from us. We all taught and raised in different ways. I believe that the world is gray instead of black and white. So by this means I can't say that I'm a religious person, because I think differently than most of people in my religion. My next question is, am I considered wrong then? I don't know. Religion is confusing sometimes.

I believe that having a religion is to have a purpose to feel calm and to know that God-is-bigger-than-my-problem kind of thing. This is why, as I said, that I believe in God. Because I know that I've been blessed in my life to feel content like now. I know that without God, I will be in nowhere near where my life is now and I will feel confused, angry, lonely, and mad to the world.

But for now on, I'm being neutral of the existence of heaven and hell. Being a roman catholic, I'm supposed to believe in heaven and hell. But I don't know yet for now. I don't know where the souls go after people die. The thoughts of hell is scaring me out. I mean, the world is filled with sinned people so how does someone can make it to heaven if we all sinned? So yeah, I don't know what I feel about this. But I hope I will figure it out without any force of my surroundings and my family.

I feel after I post this, people out there will mock me or something because I'm still in my own confused world, so this religion topic kinda scares me a bit heheh.. :)

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