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Friday, November 28, 2014

Such a Weirdo

I wonder, why this feeling won't go away? I often feel so sad with no reason. I had a good day today at work, I already ate, I slept early last night, but then this feeling won't go away...the insecure and sad feeling. So I end up locking myself in my room, trying to do my homework to make the feeling go away, but I still don't have the energy to make it go away. Then I'm trying to do something that I usually love to, like to read or watch movies, but I don't even want to do it.
I took a really hot shower. It still didn't help. 
I hate feeling this way because it feels I'm being ungrateful of my life which is wrong.
I can't even describe what do I feel right now.

At the end, I always end up talking to myself while playing with my plastic ball. Sometimes, I feel my plastic ball is like my best friend in a way since 4th grade heheheh.. When I have the "need" to talk to someone, I usually just start to play the ball and talk to myself while listening to music sometimes. When I don't have the ball, I feel so incomplete and start to panic. My last summer vacation in Indonesia, I even bought a plastic ball so I can play it because I feel that incomplete. When I told this to people, they usually thought "oh you're so athletic/energetic, you can't even sit down and stay put for awhile" which can be true because I love being energetic and always up for something. But now, I think this habit has to do with my mental..

It's weird, isn't it?

I used to just bury all my feelings inside and pretend that those sad feelings do not exist. Or sometimes I sleep so early so I will forget my "problems" for a day. "Problems" — do they even exist? Or it's just my mind playing tricks on me to think that I have problems? Or is it me who is the problem?

I don't want to run away from this whole thing anymore. I actually want to deal with it because things always get better, right? Maybe this is all just a process...and if anyone reads this, pray for me please..? :')

Have a good day/night! :)

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